Quilting Jokes

The quilter died and went up to the Pearly Gates. (It doesn’t start well, but it gets better….)  There, she was faced with a choice:  she had lived her life so that she could either go to Heaven, or Hell – her choice.  She was pretty sure this would have all been decided by now, and she was pretty sure where she wanted to go, but she was also a very curious quilter.

She asked Saint Peter if she could just take a look at what might be awaiting her in Hell.

They entered a huge room (anyone ever been to the Houston Quilt Festival?  Bigger than that!), with tables and chairs.  There were quite a few pleasant looking quilters sitting everywhere.  But it was what was in the middle of each table that caught her attention:  a wonderful huge pile of fabric.  She thought she’d died and gone to Heaven!!!

She made up her mind on the spot, and turned to Saint Peter: “I know that Heaven is probably very nice, but I’ve decided that I want to stay here, thank you.”

As the door closed quietly behind him for all eternity, everyone at the tables turned to her with a smile on their faces and said, with one voice:

“Did you bring the needles?”


That is the joke that inspired the first couple of lines of my song “When I Die”.  Here’s another one. I think this one is originally from the library of golfing jokes:

The gals were all at quilt retreat, near a main street in town.  That morning, a funeral cortege went by, and one woman from the group stood reverently at the window as it passed.  On the way from the church to the cemetery, it passed the window again, and again the woman stood quietly to watch it go by.

Another woman at the retreat noticed, and said to her “I’m so impressed by the reverence you showed to that funeral. It’s very thoughtful of you.”

The woman said to her: “It’s the least I can do: we were married for over 36 years!”


Do you have any quilting jokes?  I’m hoping to include some jokes in my songbook, which I’m writing now, and you could be a contributor! Send your favourites in!


6 Responses to “Quilting Jokes”

  1. Elizabeth Bowman Says:

    Kathy: Great jokes! Just loved the one in heaven. I think it’s a take off of the golfing joke where the dead golfer was on the course of his/her dream without any golf balls.
    I’ll send you some ideas for where you might perform in Indianapolis, IN next year if/when you travel through here.
    Elizabeth Bowman, M.D.
    Quilter and psychiatrist (notice the order of those appellations)

    • singingquilter Says:

      I think all the best quilting jokes are stolen from golfers, Elizabeth! I guess they need something to talk about while waiting for their foursomes to take their shots – quilters steal them because we’re too busy making quilts to come up with jokes!!! lol

  2. Kate Says:

    How many quilters does it take to change a light bulb?

    5 – One to change the bulb and four others to stand there and say “I could have done that!”

  3. Sarah Says:

    Here’s a joke for you..
    Knock, Knock?
    Who’s there?
    Cotton who?
    Cotton a trap, Must buy more cotton.

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